Satya and Santosha - Yoga Wisdom
The Yama that speaks to me the most is Satya. Wikipedia defines Satya as "...a Sanskrit word that loosely translates into English as 'unchangeable' that which pervades the universe in all it's consistency. It is also interpreted as 'absolute truth' or 'reality." In my own life I feel that I've been on a search for unchanging truth since adulthood. In early adulthood I discovered how much of my self-identity relied on labels that I had told myself were my "truth." During a six month period of time in 2009 I graduated from college, became a mother, separated from my husband, and moved across the country. I found myself completely bewildered and confused by how I was unable to define myself after this period of change. I was no longer a successful student, I was no longer a wife, I was no longer a resident of California, I was no longer a member of my close circle of friends. I didn't know who I was without these constraints around me, defining me. After struggling through the following year I slowly found my new reality. Over time I came to accept the new masks that had been given to me. I could now be defined as a single mother, as a caretaker to my sibling, and as an independent adult. During this time I also gained a much deeper understanding of who I was inside, void of all labels. The idea of "true self" is something that I am constantly trying to define, understand, and grasp ahold of. Through journaling and writing to myself I've discovered how unaware I was of all the little white lies that I had told myself over time. These lies have helped me cope with situations that were out of my control and have helped me glaze over difficult situations without feeling pain. My goal is to continue to be truthful with myself about what I'm feeling. This will in turn help me to speak up and be more open and honest with those around me.
Santosha can be defined as "not requiring more than you have to be content." Contentment used to be something that came easily to me. Growing up I always felt blessed by my God-given talents and the rewards that they brought into my life. After going through a very difficult series of miscarriages early in my marriage I became very discontent with life. I struggled with feelings of jealousy and envy of others who were able to have children. My discontent slowly encompassed my whole life and aided in tearing my marriage apart. I felt that I couldn't move on with my life until my dream of becoming a mother was realized. Amazingly I was blessed with a son after 3 years of heartache. Becoming a mother helped me to once again find contentment with life. I entered a period of contentment and gratitude. But as I turned 30 last winter I noticed those feelings of discontentment creeping back up again. Turning 30 seemed to shine a spotlight on the areas of my life that were miles away from the goals that I had internally set for myself in my early 20's. I began to look at my peers and see them as more successful than me. I noticed peers in seemingly happy marriages, owning businesses, financially stable, and living in beautiful houses. I've been very conscious of these feelings and how unhealthy these thinking patterns are. I am so lucky to have a beautiful son and our first home together. Being kind to myself isn't easy and is something that I have to continually remind myself to do.